The Beginner's Guide to Becoming a Modern American Churchian

How to be a Modern American Churchian:

The key is to learn to dismiss important aspects of Scriptural teaching and Christ's example combined with semantic gerrymandering. If all else fails, keep relying on the fragments of Scripture which support your point, even if the verse(s) is taken completely out of context and your interpretation conflicts with other verses in the Bible. Follow these guidelines and you will be able to proudly proclaim yourself a Christian without any of the messy business of acting as Christ would have you act.

Examples:

The Bible says to help the poor, feed the hungry etc. (Deut. 15:7-11, Lev. 25:35, Prov. 19:17, Matt. 5:42, Matt. 25:34-46 and dozens more)

Churchian Solution: claim the poor and needy are that way because they are lazy and entitlement minded. Assume they are not only unemployed, but aren't interested in working. That way you can quote 2 Thessalonians 3:10 about how those who don't work don't eat. It's even easier if you follow Word of Faith doctrine, which implies that poverty is a consequence of sin and lack of faith.

Don't forget to partially quote Mark 14:7, about always having the poor, being blissfully ignorant that Jesus was referring to Deuteronomy 15:11, which is a commandment to always provide for the poor of the land.

The Bible warns against greed and the seeking of wealth (Prov. 28:25, Lk 12:15, 1 Tim. 6:9-10).

Churchian Solution: Related to the above, cite verses that talk about how God wants His people to prosper, how hard work earns a reward, and how ultimately you will use your wealth to further the Gospel by tithing.

The Bible warns against exploiting workers.(Deut. 24:14-14,Jer. 22:13, Mal. 3:5, Col.4:1)

Churchian Solution; Using the two Solutions above, claim that workers who complain about wages are actually lazy, entitlement-minded sluggards who barely deserve what they are paid. Point out how profits made at the expense of exploited workers are used to bless people. Make obscure references to Old Testament scriptures that support the idea that God favors Capitalism. The ringer is the Parable of the Workers (Matt. 20:1-34) which can, with the right twist, be used to justify never paying an employee more than what the boss thinks he's worth, and never giving any raises.

The Bible says to love and do good to your enemies. (Matt. 5:44, Luke 6:27-36, Romans 12:19-21).

Churchian Solution; This can be done in two different ways, or a combination of the two. First, redefine love, generally exemplified by the statement “love the sinner, hate the sin” so that any animosity you display toward your enemy is redefined as actually being love. Second method is to cite verses which talk about God pouring out His wrath on His enemies and the enemies of His people. In other words, favor the Old Testament over the New to handle this one. Be sure to declare those you hate to be “enemies of Christ”, “Accusers of the brethren” and “heretics” because somewhere in the Bible there are verses which exempt those people from the “love and do good to your enemies” verses, right?

The Bible says to love your neighbor as yourself. (Mark 12:31, Matt. 22:39).

Churchian Solution: This one is very easy: simply use a definition of “neighbor” which limits it to people who are like you.

The Bible says to welcome aliens and strangers. (Deut. 10:18, Lev.19:33, Exodus 23:9, Matt. 25:35, Hebrews 13:2)

Churchian Solution: It takes a bit of effort to become stiff-necked enough to proclaim that the laws of man supersede the laws of God, but that is the best way to handle this one. Point out that illegal immigrants are technically criminals, even if they are children, as a way of saying that their guilt according to man-made law abrogates any need for you to apply the Word of God.

The Bible says to be humble/avoid self-righteousness (Luke 18:9-14, Philippians 2:3-11, James 4:6) to seek peace, (Mt. 5:9, Romans 12:18) and to never try to force your will upon others (1 Cor. 13:4-5) and don't trust in man made methods to achieve spiritual goals (Ps. 118:8; 146:3, Jer. 17:5-6).

Churchian Solution: Someone's got to defend the faith and make sure people behave righteously, right? Why not use whatever means are necessary, including political activism, because the most important thing is to make society as comfortable as possible for Churchians maintain the status quo of using Jesus Christ to justify all sorts of selfish behavior.

This is just the basics. As you learn to apply these principles, you will eventually find ways to use Scripture and modern American doctrine to oppose all sorts of things ranging from gun control to teaching basic science in school.