Happy Mothers Day to Adoptive and Foster Mothers

Mothers Day is an odd holiday for adoptees and foster children. We all have a woman who we consider "mom". She may not have birthed us, but she loved us as her own nonetheless. She took the extra steps to love a child that was not of her own flesh, born of her own womb. That's an extra special mother in my eyes.

Then there's our "birth" or "biological" mother. (don't ever call her our "real mother") Sometimes we know who she is, and end up being glad she isn't in the role that we want a mother to be. We have our mothers, and both we, and those dysfunctional women who were at least smart enough to give us up because they knew they couldn't raise a child at that time, are better off not being part of each others' lives.

Then there are the birth mothers who keep in touch, who remain some part of our lives even if circumstances kept them from being or one and only moms. We are blessed with a bittersweet good fortune in this case, having two moms as it were.

But most of the time, our birth mothers are a mystery of varying magnitudes. Depending on the state and the circumstances, we may have complete knowledge of a mother we have never met, or nothing but the idea that someone out there gave birth to us, but left our lives soon after.

For some of us, that mystery can haunt our entire lives. What was her name? When I look in the mirror, how much of what I see is her? Do my daughters look anything like her? Do I have siblings out there somewhere?

Did it rip her heart in pieces to give me up for someone else to be my mother, or was she glad to be rid of me? Does she consider the same questions about me that I consider about her? Do her thoughts dwell on me as often as mine dwell on her? Is she even still alive? Is see searching for me, as I may have searched for her, only to find laws that are meant to keep us apart as long as we live?

Some of us adoptees and foster children find the answers to these questions. Sometimes when we do it's a wonderful, joyful occasion. Other times it results in heartbreak and regret. In my own search for my birth mother, I've read as many horror stories as happy endings.

So here we are, adoptees and fosters, facing a holiday that may remind us of heartache and loss, or joyful fulfillment, or nothing at all. Some in our situation find themselves simply filled with emptiness when it comes to Mothers Day. Their adopted or foster mothers turned out to be as dysfunctional as they imagined their birth mothers might be or actually were. They are children who deserved a good mother as much as anyone else did, but never had such a blessing.

This is my salute to all those adoptive and foster mothers who took us into your lives and did the best job you knew how raising someone else's flesh and blood. We know that with few exceptions, you consider us as much your sons and daughters as if you had bore us from your own wombs.

For that, one day a year isn't nearly enough.