Senator Rand Paul is strongly in favor of mountaintop removal mining, saying it "isn't so bad" and the results actually enhance the value of the land, "because now you can build on it".* The impact on the environment is unimportant to him compared to the supposed economic advantages (meaning profits for the coal mining companies that supported his run for the Senate, and will likely put millions toward his run for president).
Known for his honesty, Sen. Paul recently revealed that after many prayerful nights, and consultation with other Republican Christians such as Paul Ryan, John Boehner and Sarah Palin, he has uncovered a message from God in the the Holy Bible that he says proves that all Christians should vote for him for president in 2016.
Rand Paul maintains that verses such as Genesis 22.14 "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided"; Zechariah 14:4 "On that day his feet will stand upon the Mount of Olives...will split apart...for half the mountain will move toward the north and half toward the south."; Revelation 8:8 "...a great mountain of fire was thrown into the sea." and many others are part of a "secret Bible code" revealing that God favors him for his support of mountaintop mining.
"The Bible makes it clear that God likes to destroy mountains as a sign. It is a major sign of the return of the Messiah. I think I am in good standing for my support of mountaintop removal mining" said Sen. Paul.
The committee of Ryan, Boehner and Palin agrees. Sen. Paul chose these three individuals to research and validate his position because, as he put it, "each member of my research committee-Paul Ryan, John Boehner and Sarah Palin-is known not only for their unmatched intellects and reputations for accurate research, but their outstanding displays of Christian values. They approached researching my claim with the same level-headedness and unbiased objectivity as they do any other political issue they face. I wanted them to be completely, brutally honest with me, as I am with my colleagues and with voters"
When questioned about the qualifications of two senators and a former governor to investigate claims of a secret Bible code, Paul responded by saying "They are good Christian people. The First Amendment guarantees they can know as much about the Bible as any Theology professor or church pastor."
Sen. Paul feels this makes voting for him for president in 2016 an open and shut case. "For anyone claiming to be a Bible-believing Christian, the choice is obvious since Scripture makes it plain God favors me as the best candidate for President of the United States. Jews should probably vote for me too, but forget about Muslims".
Tea Party leaders were quick to rally in support of Rand Paul's allegations. "Jesus would have loved to have preached the Sermon on the Mount from a mountaintop leveled by coal mining", said Sarah Palin at a recent Tea Party rally. "His compassion for the people would have led him to say 'Hey, Peter, that mountain over there is flat and shorter than these other ones. It will be easier for everyone to climb and find a seat to watch me preach. It will be easier to pass out food as well.'"
When asked about how Jesus might feel about the environmental impact, such as the destruction of habitat for animals, Palin was quick to respond, "God was always commanding someone to sacrifice an animal on top of a mountain, so in fact Jesus would approve of killing or displacing a few critters in order to improve the lives of people."
What about issues of water supplies being contaminated by coal dust runoff? Palin has an answer for that too: "There's these verses, you know, where Jesus said that we will be able to drink poison and it won't hurt us. No faithful Christian should be afraid of a little coal sludge in their drinking water. Then you gotta consider that whole changing water into wine thing."
Many conservative Christian leaders were ecstatic. "Rand Paul has made telling our congregations how to vote in 2016 much easier. No longer do we have to use metaphors, innuendo or vague statements to tell our sheep who to vote for. Rand Paul has done it for us with no risk to our 5019(c)(3) status", said The Big Old Church That Rocks pastor Hannover DeLucre.
Not to be out done, New Jersey Governor and one time 2016 presidential hopeful John Christie has tried to salvage his chances of running for the highest office in the land by citing Bible verses as well. It hasn't been easy, as the only verse he has come up with yet has been Job 11:16: "You will forget your misery. It will all be gone like water under a bridge".
Remember, it IS April 1st.
* From The Huffington Post August 2010
