I Am I...

                                 Video Courtesy of CBS Inc.

When I was a boy, I saw Richard Kiley as Don Quixote perform “The Impossible Dream” on TV. I think it was the Ed Sullivan show. I was instantly captivated by the song and by the character of Don Quixote. There was a children's version of the story (with illustrations) in the school library, which I checked out and read over and over. The whole idea of a brave knight tilting windmills he saw as giants was just the sort of thing that fueled my imagination.

My love of Don Quixote and “Man of La Mancha” continued throughout my teen age years. Many thought me odd, that in an age of disco and platform shoes, or “rock operas” such as “Hair” or “Jesus Christ, Superstar” I would be so enamored of a musical from another era. The reasons are quite personal and still are, but I have no qualms sharing the result of those reasons.

Don Quixote saw a world that had lost its sense of nobility, chivalry, grace and honor. People were being so pragmatic as to only look to themselves. They insisted on seeing things as they were, not as the could be or were meant to be. Yes, in his book Cervantes intended to address the idea of deception, that the ideals Don Quixote embraced never existed in the form he believed them to exist.

However, the play took a simpler approach: that Don Quixote, as deluded as he was, represented the need for people to believe that there are things worth fighting for no matter how impossible the odds. It presents the ideal that if we believe in someone enough, that person will come to believe in herself as well.

That is how I try to live my life, believing that Creator offers us the choice to embrace what Creator tells us:

"...whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things." (Philippians 4:8)

This is my own quest, perhaps an Impossible Dream: to be someone who hopefully reminds others that there are virtues worth holding on to no matter what the cost. That there are beauties in the world that can go unseen, and so be destroyed, if we forget to meditate on them and make them a part of our lives.

I admit I fail at this quest more often than I succeed. Yet living in Creator's mercy is something we all should seek to do, whether we are sinner or saint, or both. Those times when I fail, Creator makes good in many ways. The important thing is to keep trying, to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause.

Or, it could be the very possible dream that we should look upon others not as “Aldonza”, a coarse woman of questionable virtue, but as “Dulcinea” full of grace and beauty as Creator intends each of us to be. Seek the beauty beneath appearances, beneath the stereotypes we assign to those who look or think or speak or act or worship or vote differently than we do.

In my life, just as in Man of La Mancha, it seems people prefer I be practical and down to earth in ways that strips us of our virtuous ideals and mires us in the mentality that people like Don Quixote are ridiculous anachronisms. They are living caricatures to be mocked and derided for their old-fashioned ideas of virtue, honor and beauty are things worth fighting to preserve. Most people seem to want to be the Knight of Mirrors, intent on confronting the Don Quixotes of the world with the "reality" that they are out of touch with what the world is supposed to be like.

Many times the Knight of Mirrors has confronted me and many times I have been defeated. Each time I've come to better see the truth of it. The very things that leads people to want to turn Don Quixote back into Alonso Quixano is the reason why the world desparately needs Don Quixote. People need those with Impossible Dreamers to remind them that their own dreams may seem impossible, but really aren't if they are willing to occasionally tilt at windmills and view others not was they appear to the flesh and blood eye, but as Creator views them in the spirit.

We are all Don Quixotes and Dulcineas in His eyes.

ReBOOT (in the butt)

I started this blog a couple of years ago with high hopes it would give a boost to my writing career. OK, so "career" might be a misnomer since I haven't received much more than praise from most people (and a bit of fundage for some research). Praise is nice, but it doesn't help pay bills.  A common compliment is "You write so well, you should do this for a living!"

Now why didn't I think of that!

Sarcasm aside, the ways in which a person can develop writing as a source of income have changed thanks to the internet. It's no longer necessary to go through a publisher or editor to get paid for writing. Blogs and other online sources allow for widespread exposure to writers who have the discipline to make such things work.

Aye, there's the rub: my own lack of discipline regarding this blog.

When I started this blog (under the name "Making Matters Good" reflecting my Mohawk name "Raianerastha, which means "He Makes Matters Good") I wanted to blog about subjects that I hoped would help people become aware of certain issues affecting their lives in a way that would encourage them. I didn't want to just point at something critically, except as the basis for then discussing how to overcome whatever issues are at stake. It was a noble idea, and when I first discussed it with some friends, I was encouraged to give it a go.

I had high hopes but not the discipline to sustain them. I let myself fall into the trap of only writing when I felt inspired. That is the worst thing that a writer can let happen: we must make ourselves write on a regular basis, even if Calliope fails to show up for the session. Spending an hour-or hours- staring at a computer screen, wondering why the words don't flow forth in a tsunami of literary genius (or at least a reasonably workable idea) can be frustrating. However, I have learned from experience, and through the advise of others, that it is not a waste of time. A number of people showed me that Thomas Edison's words about genius being 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration are true.

That perspiration involves making some critical choices. As far as this blog is concerned, the first drops of sweat involved deciding how to revitalize it. The easy way would have been to simply start writing the sort of things I had been writing about before I let things slide. Yet, I had to consider that attempting the easy way might be the very reason I didn't make much of this blog to begin with.

One bit of sound advice regarding writing is "write about what you know". So I decided to blog about what I know, which involves photography, music,  Native American issues, socio-political issues and Christianity, as well as a talent for short story fiction. Let's not forget about my penchant for using movie quotes to make a point either.

That's a bowl of topical goulash, init?

If you don't think trying to figure out how to put such an eclectic mix of topics into a blog that won't simply leave people asking "What the hell is he smoking?" then you are better at such assessment than I am. Blogs are supposed to be topically simple in order to succeed. People bookmark them because they want to return to them to read about fairly specific topics. Someone who goes to a photography or music blog doesn't necessarily want to read an oped about the Tea Party or an explanation of how long lasting the effects of colonialism are on the First Nations. K.I.S.S has always been a safe approach to sharing content online.

But...why play it safe?

I decided that if I'm going to spend 99% of my time sweating to offer content for this blog, it's going to be content that I am happy with, rather than some of the fluff that is enormously popular but doesn't really do anything constructive other than generate revenue for the site owner through click through ads. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with blogs or websites that feature nothing but Instagram photos of the week or vines of cats acting crazy. We all do need mindless entertainment. That's just not where my strengths lie.

So, my goal is for my sweaty, fat fingers and (hopefully) inspired mind to present a combination of images, words and occasional bits of music that will share with people a perspective on the world that will hopefully educate, entertain and even enlighten. It may be a description of how a photo was produced one day, or an oped the next. The photo might itself be editorial in nature. Or the oped might have a photo attached for editorial purposes.

I'll throw in a short story now and then to see how that flies.

Eventually I will uncover what is most appealing about what I have to offer, and it may result in narrowing the scope of things down a bit. See, successful writing comes not only from writing about what you know, but also recognizing your audience. If I find that 90% of my audience visits only for my photography related posts, then the course is set for me.

On the other hand, maybe my audience will prefer the goulash?

In any event, 2014 is going to be an interesting year for this blog, and for me as I make sure I boot myself in the butt anytime I fall into the trap of letting things slide.

How To Occupy Yourself

"I think...I think I am. Therefore I am...I think" *

The Occupy Movement. Capitalists. Socialists. The President. Congress.  Republicans. Democrats. Tea Partiers. Gringrichians. Obamalites. Romneyans. Santorumites. Greedy CEOs. People Who Hate Greedy CEOs. People Who Like Greedy CEOs. Global Warming. Monsanto.

What do all of these have in common?

They elicit all sorts of comments from people. The media is flooded with the comments. My facebook page is flooded with them. I overhear them all the time on the bus, or in stores or at work.

I would say 80% of those comments indicate the person making them hasn't given a shred of genuine thought to the matter. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, and there is a whole lotta wasting going on. All my life, I've felt that failing to use the intelligence and wisdom Creator gives us is the greatest "sin" we can commit. Our minds are the greatest tool (or weapon) imaginable and yet it seems for many, it's the one aspect of their existence they are most willing to put into idle while their mouths or fingers communicate. Many people find it easier to let others do their thinking for them. I guess they feel that's safer as well: if things don't work out, they can blame the person they let do their thinking for them instead of taking personal responsibility.

If you let others do your thinking for you, then you deserve to be treated like sheep or cattle. Don't complain if you suffer the consequences when those you have elected or allowed to get away with unethical or even unlawful acts. Start using your mind, start thinking clearly, deeply and sensibly, and something amazing happens.

You become free. You become a real human being. You begin to create in yourself the person you hope to be, and in so doing you help to start the same change in others.

It's not just that most people seem to be expressing a "party line" when they comment, simply repeating what someone else said. It's also that so many seem more intent on tearing down rather than building up (well, building up anything besides their own egos). Not only do so many seem to want to curse the darkness instead of light a candle, they also turn to cursing those who do light candles.

Beneath it all seems to be the idea that personal responsibility for change in society extends only so far as yelling at someone else to make the changes for them.

As a photographer, writer and musician, I value genuine creative ability. As such, I'm saddened at how often people use such talents selfishly and destructively, usually out of ignorance. It would be easier to take if that ignorance weren't self-imposed.

For the past several weeks, I have been posting on facebook about "Occupy Yourself". By that I mean, instead of blindly repeating comments and propaganda about how the president or congress or someone else should fix all our problems, we each should start thinking things through. Start the changes with ourselves, then within our relationships and communities. Understand that real change  isn't imposed from above, but trickles up from the citizenry. Then, if the trickle doesn't work, a citizenry of those who think clearly and share the common goal of making positive changes, can become a flood.

We should make sure such a flood brings forth life and positive change, rather than destruction, and that the flood benefits all of society rather than just a few.


* "In the Beginning" by Graeme Edge from the album "On the Threshold of a Dream" by the Moody Blues

The REAL Fix for the Economy?

This is "Jack" (not his real name). Even though he'd been out of work and living in a shelter for months,
he still offered to share his breakfast of jam on toast with me.

2012 is a presidential election year, a time in America where politics and religion mix in ways that make some of us who follow Jesus wonder if we are missing something. I wonder if there is some hidden code in Scripture, that tells us it's OK to behave in such un-Christlike ways that justify all the criticism and scoffing Christians receive from others. Of greatest importance to most right now is the economy, who broke it, why they broke it, how to make sure blame is placed on those who broke it the most, how it became broken. At times, some people actually talk how to actually fix it.

So it's inevitable that opinions are thrown out at others in heated discussions and debates as the passions of people, which for some only rise when presidential politics are involved, entitles everyone to express an expert opinion on the matter of the economy and politics. Right now we have more misinformation being disseminated as fact than I believe has ever been the case in modern US history. The saddest part is the people who should know better are the ones supporting the most delusive positions.

I've watched, listened and read as people claiming the title of “Christian” have expounded, discussed, argued and bellowed about the poor, “Occupy Movement”, the 1% vs the 99%, and the virtues or vices of Capitalism. My very unscientific tracking of the sides people take has shown me that the majority of Christians I know or have seen comment on this subject come down firmly on the side of Capitalism, siding with the 1% to varying degrees. As I see it, this creates a conundrum for Christians which ends up creating the opposite effect of what followers of Jesus are commanded to express in their attitudes, words and actions.

It's a Divine Right of each of us to hold an opinion and express it freely. I try my best to respect others no matter how much I may disagree with their opinion. However, when Christians try to declare that their opinions reflect that of Jesus, I feel compelled to call them out on it (being a follower of Jesus, I include myself as a potential offender here).

I recently read some threads on Face Book, along with some commentaries by various Christian ministers, which seriously had me asking “Who are these people claiming to follow?” Some of the comments these people expressed regarding the poor, capitalism and the Occupy Movement surely couldn't come from hearts filled with the Holy Spirit, and minds renewed by Christ?

The general attitude expressed by the people in question is expressed in the following:

1. The poor are all lazy, selfish people who have brought their poverty on themselves.
2. Capitalism is ordained by God in order to ensure that the government doesn't take wealth away from us and give it to others (presumably those in #1)
3. The Occupy Movement consists of a bunch of immoral, Godless socialists who want to destroy America.
4. The 1% are actually mostly very good, God-fearing people who have been blessed by God and so have a right to not see their hard-earned money taken away by the government and given to those less deserving.

Now, rather than simply dismiss these attitudes as being contrary to Scripture, the thinking of people who simply want to slap the Christian label on themselves for fear of going to hell, I really did consider what might be behind such thinking. Then I happened to read Psalm 41 and the truth of the matter became clear, illuminated as always by the Living Word.

Oh, the joys of those who are kind to the poor. The LORD rescues them in times of trouble. The LORD protects them and keeps them alive. He gives them prosperity and rescues them from their enemies. The LORD nurses them when they are sick and eases their pain and discomfort. Psalm 41, 1-3 New Living Translation

I read this about a dozen times, letting it sink in. I meditated on it and tried to find ways I could recognize these 4 simple, direct sentences within all the hyperbole being expressed-supposedly in the Name of Christ-about the economy, the poor, the rich, and the government.

I simply couldn't reconcile Psalm 41: 1-3, (along with some related verses) with the four points of opinion I noted above. Christians should be the strongest proponent of aiding the poor, of making sure the government controls, rather than aids, the greedy actions of the wealthy few (make no mistake, God does /not/ approve of wealthy people who entertain their own greed and use their money to corrupt or use others, no matter how often they quote scripture and talk about their faith in Christ)

So the way I see these verses of Truth, the solution to the economy doesn't lie with any presidential candidate. It doesn't lie within any political-economic system, whether Capitalism or Socialism. It doesn't lie within the Occupy Movement or class warfare or childish debates on Face Book.

The solution lies within the heart of each of us, and our willingness to understand what Creator means by the simple phrase “kind to the poor”. When Christians, and others, start acting upon that then we will see the economy healed. We will see terrorism and threats of conflict abate. We will even see our personal and social health, whether physical, mental, emotional or financial, improve.

It is the attitude we have toward the poor, individually and as a nation that causes Creator to act-or not act-according to Psalm 41 (and many other Scriptures). Jesus pointed out that a selfish, unrighteous person can appear to be good by citing his charitable acts, yet still have a corrupt heart. As I consider the words I've read and heard coming from Christians, the Truth that “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” is quite indicting.

It goes without saying that a person who expresses the idea that the poor are all selfish, lazy people who are at fault for being poor certainly is not being kind to the poor. Such kindness consists of much more than giving to the food bank or the benevolence fund of a church. It extends into actually developing relationships with the poor in your community. Don't just give to the food bank, invite them to your house for dinner. Don't just write a check for the benevolence fund once a month. Take a poor family to the store and buy them new shoes. Don't just throw money at the problem: become part of the lives of the people. As we Natives Americans would say, make them your relations.

I've heard people say “conservatives in America do far more charitable giving than liberals”. OK, perhaps that's the case because, while the rich conservatives are just throwing money at charities, the liberals are actually the ones using that money to directly effect the lives of the poor? Or they are digging in and doing their part to help within the structure of communities and relationships, which can't be measured on a tax return. Yes, there are a lot of conservatives doing the same thing. We may not really know for sure because this is an aspect of being kind to the poor that can't be quantified by adding up financial statements.

Trying to use the measure of money donated to charity misses the point about helping the poor. Jesus emphasized helping your neighbors. Does giving to a missions organization building a school in a foreign land qualify as helping your neighbors? As noble as such giving is, it misses the mark if you are really trying to obey Christ and help your neighbors. Try giving not only money, but time and talent, to help the poor right in your own community, then send some money to the missions board. Loving your neighbor as yourself doesn't just mean having warm fuzzy feelings as you drop a couple of cans of soup off at the food pantry. It means becoming actively engaged in the lives of the poor within your community, /and your own church/.

When I read of people implying, or saying outright, that modern American Capitalism is somehow God's chosen way to prosperity, I tremble. (OK, actually I want to vomit but saying “I tremble” sounds more spiritual.) Capitalism in its modern form isn't based on the “honest day's wage for an honest day's work”. It's based on doing everything you can to milk money from others, treating each human being as little more than a source of profit. The current guiding principle is to produce the cheapest product at the highest mark-up, and only concern yourself with the impact this has on the customer if they complain. Is that how we think God wants us to do things if we claim to act in his name? Yet that is, in fact, the dogma and doctrine of modern American Capitalism.

This includes inducing the entire population into becoming self-absorbed consumers. Modern capitalism loves the attitude that the poor don't deserve our help because, if nothing else, it promotes the idea that people will simply spend the resources they might devote to the poor on acquiring more stuff for themselves.

Which is pretty stupid, actually.

If Capitalists want to sell more goods, thus increasing profits, then eliminating poverty, so the poor can buy more, should be a primary concern.

So then why is it so many Capitalism-loving Christians do the opposite, blaming the poor, denigrating their lack of employment or economic status, when it's those poor people gaining greater buying power that would do much more for economic recovery than electing Mitt Romney as President?

Dismissing all those in the Occupy Movement as immoral, Godless, lazy, socialist etc. is simply propaganda. Goebbels did something similar with the Jews in Germany. Yes, I am making that comparison, because historically, the evidence of a totalitarian government is when those expressing dissent are devalued and dehumanized by those who support the status quo and/or regime in power. Saying such things is also simply ignorant.

The reality is Christians, more than any other group identified by a statement of faith, should be crying out the loudest against social injustice and economic inequality that has resulted from corruption of our government by the unscrupulous wealthy. (Obviously the honest wealthy people wouldn't work to corrupt the government, but they do still profit from that corruption). What I see now is Christians playing the role of the Pharisees who were so indignant when Jesus cast the moneychangers out of the temple. Don't reply by saying “that's different”. We are talking attitude of the heart and mind, not mere actions and hair-splitting semantics.

It's also pretty obvious that wealthy people who become wealthy at the expense of their workers, and society as a whole, are not kind to the poor. No matter how much we try to support the idea of trickle down economics, the reality is it doesn't work that way. Many in the 1% didn't get that way by “hard honest work” (since today, in business, a word such as “honest” is subject to situational ethics and relativism). They got that way by underpaying employees, exploiting tax laws, closing down plants to move jobs offshore, and outright fraud. Any Christian who looks on with approval at the typical CEO (yes, there are honest, fair minded CEOs out there, but they are few and far between) simply doesn't understand that the Bible's version of honest gain and business leadership is different from what is currently acceptable in the US.

What is the Bible's version of honest gain, business leadership and treatment of not only the poor, but society as a whole? Certainly not the “win at all costs, make a profit any way we can” way that most businesses are run. It's simple:

“Treat others as you would have them treat you.”

That may not always ensure an immediate profit, but it is what Jesus would have His followers do. For a more detailed instructions, read Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy, wherein YHWH instructs the Children of Israel on their social and economic dealings. I think you will find that modern American business practices fall short of those mandated by the Bible in the Old Covenant.

The New Covenant makes it both easier to grasp, but harder to follow, what with the “Golden Rule” I cited above, and the concept of “esteeming others as better than yourself” and selling all but the barest necessities to aid those less fortunate. If we follow Jesus, we must become directly, personally and lovingly involved in the lives of the poor we seek to aid in His Name.

It really does come down to attitude of the heart, for each of us. As long as we express opinions like I enumerated above, we are not of the right attitude, our hearts are not in line with Creator's thinking. That being the case, no one we elect to office will offer more than just a different set of problems, which appear to be solutions, but only to those who see things from a narrow, one-sided perspective.

The first step in economic recovery for the US is not who you vote for, but in learning in your heart what being kind to the poor really means.

That's my thoughts. Thanks for listening.

Who To Blame?

There is a Truth: in a "free"society those who end up leading us are those we "deserve" to have as leaders. If our federal, state and local leaders are all people who favor power for their own means rather than serving the people, it's because so many of us think the same way (even if we won't admit it to ourselves).

We must share the blame we lay on the president or congress for feathering their own political nests, resorting to childish, unproductive partisanism, or catering to special interest groups, because many of us do the same things in our own lives.

Remember, each of us is part of a special interest group. Even the "99%" is a special interest group in demanding changes that favor them.

We must share the blame we hurl at the rich, the corporations and the greedy CEOs because we practice that greed at our own level. We chose to be a Nation of Addicted Consumers by not thinking for ourselves, but letting others tell us that we needed wealth and material possessions to be "prosperous" and happy. Even our predominate faith, Christianity, has become a mouthpiece for gaining wealth and possessions.

 

 

Take a look at what Christmas has become, at how people behave on "Black Friday". Are we behaving any different from a CEO who lines his own pockets by laying off workers, raising prices, misusing funds and paying off politicians?

 

We must share the blame we hurl at other nations, or terrorist groups, who reject us, seek to undermine or destroy the "American Way of Life". We must consider the two aspects of our society I mention above, and how often we as a nation and as individuals assume that everyone else on the planet wants to be like us. So we impose our world view and values on others. Sometimes we do it by flooding another country with McDonald's restaurants and Pepsi and let them open up sweatshops in order to sell us the stuff we demand.

 

If that hasn't worked to our satisfaction, we sometimes find an excuse to use military force. Is killing thousands in another country truly a matter of protecting our own security? Those in that other nation certainly don't think so.

 

 

We grow alarmed as we see the police using escalating levels of violence against Occupy members and other situations. We lay the blame on the government. Is this really the case? The blame lies UPON ALL OF OUR SOCIETY. We have allowed a combination of unnatural pressures (from over-competitiveness to our economy to the food we eat), skewed sense of values and lack of wisdom to place ALL OF US into... stressful situations. We don't know how to properly handle the stress, so when we reach the "breaking point" we resort to violence because that is how we are conditioned to release the stress.

 

 

Are the cops who bust up protesters doing anything that different from the dad who slaps his kids, or the boss who yells at his employees, or the child who abuses the dog?

 

 

They are being human.

 

 

So to address such things we need to stop pointing fingers at others we think are the cause and look at how we, as a society, must change starting at the individual level, if we are ever to see real solutions.

 

 

You see, we are at a point where we are becoming the very thing we fear, the very sort of nation that in times past other people fled in order to find freedom here.

 

 

Many of the early colonists came to "The New World" because the wealthy of their homelands were also the ruling class, and they kept the greatest share of land and wealth for themselves. People came to Turtle Island so they could be free of Big Government and Big Business, hand in hand controlling their lives.

 

 

Later, people came to escape governments which gave no voice to the people. Government consisting of those who decided that the people served them, rather than they serving the people. Leaders who felt no shame at using their office for personal gain, no matter the cost to the citizenry. Leaders who viewed dissent as something to be squelched, violently if necessary, rather than something to heed.

 

 

Most of all, we are a nation in denial, and so must share the greater part of the blame.

 

 

We deny that on an individual level we use others, try to gain power, not to serve the community but for out own purposes.

 

 

We deny that on an individual level, we entertain our own greed in everything from the shoes we buy to the coffee we drink to the cars we drive, and we teach our children to do the same.

 

 

We deny that on an individual level, we are so violent and competitive that it's more satisfying to us to win a war than "win a peace". This happens at our most intimate relationships, with our spouses, children and parents.

 

 

So we deny that anything is wrong with ourselves: it's all someone else's fault that things aren't going the way we want (yet even that expectation is proof of the source of the problem in many people).

 

 

What's the solution?

 

 

First, start using our own minds to think and make informed decisions about everything from our jobs to the things we buy to how we treat our family and friends. Research the words and writing of wise people, past and present. Accept the fact that sources of wisdom ranging from the Bible to the words of Gandhi all can teach us much about Living Rightly.

 

 

Second, be willing to take personal responsibility for change. Be willing to make sacrifices in our own lives before we demand change and sacrifice for others. Listen more, talk less, slow down, think through whether an idea is really that good in the long run.

 

 

Third, stop thinking in the immediate. Many of the First Nations speak of the "Seventh Generation". One aspect of this is realizing that who we are and how we behave has been directly influenced by 3 generations before us and in turn will directly effect 3 generations following. Seriously think not just how our actions will affect our children, but our grandchildren and great grandchildren.

 

 

Fourth, be patient. Patience truly is a wonderful virtue that is in short supply. Patience not just to see things change (the changes we need will not occur in a single generation, much less in a 4 year presidential term of office) but also patience with those around us.

 

 

Fifth, stop thinking that blaming others is the same thing as working toward solutions. When 2 or more agree on something, it can be done...unless they decide to turn what they are doing into an "us vs them" situation in which they must first fix blame before they fix the problem.

 

 

In the end, all the blaming does is make those casting blame no different from those they are blaming.

 

 

Does this really solve anything?

 

 

No: it perpetuates the very problems that need solving because they were created by casting blame to begin with.

 

 

 

That's how I see things at least. Thanks for listening.

How Do We Forgive Our Fathers?

There's a great monologue at the end of the movie “Smoke Signals”. It asks the question, “how do we forgive our fathers?”. Then speaks of situations and reasons for forgiving. The first time I watched the movie I wondered about that monologue and put it in the perspective of the need for children of absentee or abusive fathers to come to terms with that aspect of their lives.

Then I reached a point in my life where I had to ask, and answer, the same question.

Without going into details, circumstances had forced me to really look at my own life, as my father's son, and how that had led me to the point in life where I was doing a lot of soul searching. A painful memory (not involving my father) I had long suppressed came to the surface during this time. I asked Creator why, what was the purpose of re-experiencing this? The answer surprised me, and in that surprise revealed why I needed to answer the question “How do I forgive my father?"


I grew up in a pretty normal, middle class American home. My father had a good job. We never lacked for anything, we lived in a nice home in a nice neighborhood and he made sure there would be money for college when the time came, etc. It was pretty much the American Ideal as seen on “Leave It to Beaver” or “Father Knows Best”. At least that's how I always remembered it.

He was the type who would toil for 30 years at a job that I would find dull and uninspiring, because to him, the rewards of the job and what it meant for his family made it worthwhile. I remember in High School, I asked for a new Euphonium. We could easily rent one from the school that was perfectly good but I wanted a specific horn. A top of the line Besson Satin Silver Euphonium. My father bought it for me. At the time I didn't really think in terms of the expense, just what it meant to me that he did buy it.

I was never abused, never neglected (though my father was not one for displays of affection, he felt he proved his love by being a good provider) never subjected to horrific arguments between my parents, or seeing my father come home drunk, or cheat on his wife. I was blessed to not have to deal with any of those tragedies.

An idyllic life, depending on your point of view.

So what do I need to forgive my father for doing, or not doing?

I had to forgive my father for being such a good father.

How is that possible?

Here's how: I spent most of my life trying to live up to his expectations. I wanted to become a musician: he said I couldn't earn a decent living at that. So to compromise I went into music education. “Being a teacher is a good profession” he said. I made some life mistakes which kept me from fulfilling that goal, and for 20 years after it was obvious my dad was disappointed.

I thought all that time he was disappointed in me, as his son. It was only when I started trying to answer this question about forgiveness that I realized he was really only disappointed in the choices I had made. I had spent 20 years of my life trying to win my father's approval, when I had never had his disapproval to begin with.

So, I had to learn to forgive my father for being human. He wasn't the ideal, Superman-like person I remember him as when I was a child. It was my image of him as Superdad that led me to think I had to match his life in some way to win his approval. He never expected me to be like him, beyond following is example in being responsible for my family. I have learned I was doubly blessed in this regard: so many sons have their lives chosen for them by overly controlling fathers.

So I forgave my father for being human. Was that enough? No, because the last line of the “Smoke Signals” monologue is “if we forgive our fathers, what's left?”.

What's left is forgiving ourselves. Too often, sons blame our fathers for placing expectations on us they never did. We must forgive ourselves for considering the image of our fathers to be more real than who they really were.

When sons do this, we are being unfair to our fathers in ways we don't realize until the day we look at our own sons and question what it is we really mean to them. We fault them for transgressions or failures that exist only in our own, 10 year old boy minds. Father and son are both held hostage by our own imaginings.

How do I forgive myself for this?

I'm still working that part out. I'll let you know when I have it down.

Rain

Powwow Time!

I had the pleasure of attending the 97th Annual Meskwaki Powwow on Aug. 13. It was made all the more pleasurable because I was there with my kids. Due to various factors, we only had about 4 hours to enjoy things. Not nearly enough time to really enjoy a powwow, but better than none at all (last year we were rained out on the day we went).

Powwows are interesting events. Natives understand that they are a time honored tradition in which relationships are established or strengthened and traditions maintained. They are at the very heart of our social structure, as well as (usually) holding deep spiritual signifigance.

This last part depends on the type of powwow. At competition powwows, the emphasis has come to be on the dancing, winning prizes and vendors making lots of cash. (It's important to consider that many vendors depend on a 4 to 6 month powwow season to provide the bulk of their income for the year). At a powwow such as the Proclamation Day powwow on the Meskwaki Settlement, the emphasis is on maintaing their heritage and culture and educating others about them.

Which is where the really interesting part comes in. People not familiar with powwows (read: typical non-Native tourist) think it's a show for them. It's not. They are invited to witness, and often participate in,  something that we would do anyway. (There are many powwows which are only open to members of the tribe and invited guests, and don't allow spectators).

Of course at any powwow, people are busilly snapping photos of the dancers, with all the bright colored regalia and various dance styles. In times past, I've done that. This year, I decided to take a different approach. I wanted to capture more of the emotions involved in those little moments when people aren't dancing for hundreds of spectators to see.

There is a lot that goes on behind the scenes of a powwow. The dancers are not performers, per se, because a powwow is not a "show" It's a unique cultural/social event that Native people have practiced in one form or another long before people started to pay to watch. The only reason we started charging admission to powwows was because for many years it was one of the few ways tribes could produce much needed revenue.

The dancers are average people, Native People, who want to maintain their traditional way of life as best they can. So when they aren't dancing, they are simply being human. Many powwows take place outdoors, in hot weather, and dancers who attend every session can spend 4 to 6 hours a day dancing. Depending on the style, this can be the same as running a 10K race every day. It can take a toll.

But for some reason, there are always powwow spectators who don't understand this. They think the dancers dress like that all the time. They imagine they still live in tipis, spend every night dancing around a fire and talk like Graham Greene delivering dialogue in "Dances with Wolves".

They don't.

When the powwow is over, they carefully store their regalia and go back to working their jobs, raising their kids and watching cable TV. They don't show up at the factory or office in their regalia. They may fix Hamburger Helper (goes good with fry bread!) or order pizza for dinner. While they may listen to drum groups in their off time, it could just as well be Lady Gaga, Kanye West or Travis Tritt playing on their iPods.

So here are a few shots from the powwow. They're black and white because I feel that's better at letting viewers see the people involved rather than seeing them only as performers in brightly colored regalia Not costumes, by the way. Costumes imply pretending to be something other than you are, such as a character in a play. Dancers are being themselves, participating in a social/spiritual gathering.

Regalia is carefully put together over months and years, with each component having special meaning or offering a story. Some items, such as eagle feather bustles, are passed down from one generation to the next. They are priceless heirlooms, all the more so because the federal government controls the distribution of eagle feathers, with a waiting list of about 5000 people and a wait time of 3 1/2 years.

  When you go to a powwow, whether for the first time or after many times, remember you are not watching a show or performance put on for your sake. You are a guest participating in a vital part of Native American society. A part which has been and will continue to evolve, while maintaining centuries old traditions. They are a way for us to pass down our language, culture and beliefs from one generation to the next, keeping our ways, and thus our identity as unique Nations, alive.